Ch. 2 Pg. 38 of 366

This is how I'm trying to be and also to mind my own. I don't wanna hear about shit that don't involve me and I don't wanna talk about shit not involving me. I really don't like the amount of judgement I find and I try really hard not judging people so I'm gonna stop putting myself in places that do. As I've been going through whatever this is.. is it an actual midlife crisis of sorts.. I escaped a place that for me was not safe or healthy. It wasn't intentional but it was also never meant for my well-being either. It took a lot to do what I did .. I didn't really see it as a midlife crisis maybe as I went through my process it became one of sorts because I'm redefining myself, uncovering myself really. Whoever I never had a chance to grow into I'm going to free now. Somehow and I'm not going to stop. 

And I'm fucking not going to be ashamed either. I'm not going to waste my energy explaining anything that will not be understood or that will simply fall on judgmental ears. I do not desire any of that in my life. I'm seeking peace and I will find it .. I owe it to myself. 

I am creating my best life while living it. I'm no longer accepting anything less. 

i am realizing my own potential and my capabilities. I can do so much more than I was willing to see. I am trusting myself, I am believing myself and I am loving myself. Things I have never done and I like it. I like smiling.. it's so weird to say that. And this wasn't the intent of this post but it's how it has gone and I'm fine with that. 

I truly thought a partner was the most important thing because then I wouldn't be alone. H1 showed me what it was like to be alone when you weren't technically alone. I swore never again. I didn't even know me at all then, I had no worth at every age.. it took a friend 3 years for me to see any kind of worth in myself. 

Then H2 swept me off my feet. Head over heels in fucking love. I believed... Truly believed forever. Then slowly it was chipped at and I was shown how little I mattered and that I wasn't even worth more than the promise of money. Only this time... I decided otherwise and demanded my worth. 

I vow again... Never the fuck again. Even with M I felt myself running backwards and I will not put myself in that situation again, I won't. Until I am firm in myself because I owe myself that work. 

peace.. and with peace happiness. My goals.. I was tired but once up I was going. I was productive. Work was handled, and I kicked out some production sheets I feel. I'm not feeling as swamped but I will just keep on going. I like my job so much and I appreciate my ability to step up. I knew I could that's why it was mine. It was time. 

I enabled T and I told him as much. I needed him aware that if I felt it was necessary it would stop. It's the safest situation and I would rather his safety right now. 

I am super excited about my house, there is a great little room attached to the garage and I want to fix it up and see if I can paint it lol. I. So excited about it!

I taught Bean to say Dude. She was my BFF tonight and it was wonderful hehe. I need to get my ass to bed, this took longer than planned but obviously necessary!

~ T ~