Ch. 3 Pg everything... 76 - 91

Man... I have been fucking Horrible about ALL of this.. I got frustrated and sick and all kinds of shit.. for real man! But I'm gonna try to update this as best as I can even if it's all pics mostly! 

Pg. 76.

 I met my beautiful Marci in person 5 years ago the day I was supposed to update last. I love her with my complete being, she saved me. Truly saved me. I was drowning and she saved me. I'm beyond grateful for her and for all that she's shown me and her empowering ways. She showed me a fucking can and I will never forget that. 

According to the post before this I had a rather icky day but looking at my pics I do not remember why it was shitty. What I do see is I made tacos and enchiladas and I was definitely not mad about that. 

i love my enchiladas and my tacos and I always will and I'll always eat way too many of both lol 

i do remember tacos were for dinner that night and the enchiladas were for Sunday night. I also know I regretted not having the larger can of enchiladas sauce but I will remember that next time lol. 

i also drew cards and they reminded me of my resilience and my strength and how far I've come. The fact I don't recall why it was shitty reminds me that often the bad really doesn't linger unless we make it linger. 

Pg. 77

how I started my day... Coffee and breakfast. Sundays are for breakfast, ice decided I'll always make myself breakfast if possible. And my cups are chosen based on mood... Apparently I was in a mood haha

i found a ribeye on markdown and bought that bitch. I'd been steadily unpacking and my cast iron was ready for use. 

i also unpacked my Great Grandma Griffis's bowls... They remain my favorite. 

With my steak, I made hash. 

lots of veggies but also potatoes. I do love a good hash and I've taken to enjoying cooking for myself, when I'm not sick or feeling off. It's my favorite place to be.. music on, smoking, cleaning and cooking... My tiny kitchen is currently my favorite place to be. 

i really do love potatoes 😂.. I kinda remember the day but I don't. I made a delicious breakfast..

delicious sourdough, I've mastered toasting in my broiler lol. 

i had mimosas and somehow didn't break anything popping the cork.

I did laundry.. all day.. 

and enjoyed a drink..

and I enjoyed the fuck outta my enchiladas. I put 3 containers in the freezer for later meals too! 

Pg. 78- 81.. 

Yup I'm lumping this all in.  Mon the 18th (Pg. 78) half way through the day I start to cough and then I was just sick. From noon - 2:30 I simply got sick. Just such a stuffy head and over all icky feeling. You could hear it. I literally chose not to stay over because I felt horrible and was already needing to be in early for a catering. 

Come Tuesday, I woke up at 4am absolutely miserable and I went into work and did my catering. I felt horrible and was already snapping at people, I was so mad that I was sick. I'd avoided everyone's sickness and now I was sick. I left after 2.5hrs. I came home, I showered and I went to bed. I slept all day. Awake minimally. I took cold meds and slept. 

I woke up Wednesday absolutely miserable and I called in. Later that day when I woke up again I tried to call the tele Dr thing and all that did was get me a dumb nasal spray. 

I had plans with Tyrell to come over to help with a table Thursday, I'd tried to cancel it but he didn't care that I was sick. So I left it in place. I went to work and wasn't horrible, my throat half way through the day though was in fire and I knew it was drainage but at least I didn't feel like crap. 

I left and showered and picked up Tyrell and we got back to the house. 

Showed him stuff that'd been taken care of since he was over last. Then he made sure I knew we were fucking.. I basically was like.. uhm duh lol. After about 15 min my other friends got there with the table. All talked and such and then they left. So .. we went to my room chilled, rolled up and smoked. Some necessary talk.. I actually hate that talk because I know he's already drinking and drunk talk while honest is also horribly not remembered and often doesn't want to be remembered. And that's hard and it really does suck cause I've gotten to know him and I'd absolutely fuck with him but I also should not and need not to. Well during this visit.. I did mention how much I hate when he lives his lips and he asked why.. and I said .. cause all it does is make me wanna kiss you. And then his hand was down my pants and his mouth on mine. And damn he really needs not to fuck me like he did. 

Honestly he very well may have ruined sex for me. I am 48 and he is the only person I've had sex with where my head was not thinking.. I was just getting railed and.. he literally makes me squirt back to back to back. I don't think either of us know how many times because I just kept squirting. After we first started and it happened twice I needed to be sure I drank water and.. he followed me into the kitchen. Before I could do anything his hands were around me and his mouth and then I was just bent over. Twice. Again.. on my new kitchen mat. He fucked me four times in the kitchen before back to the room. I think we went for like an hour and a half and his hands and mouth were everywhere. He bites .. man him biting my lip .. and he knows how to smack and... Ugh he unlocked spitting haha... Just damn man. When I thought we were done I pulled off the top of my bedding... My quilt my grandma made, my heavy grey blanket, my flannel sheet... And the wet spots were soaked. I couldn't believe it..

He came in and said... I still got time, I'm not done and .. so it went. He was in fact not done and I'm telling you.. he has no idea that id fuck him every damn day. Man. How can I admit that he very well may be the best sex I've had and I don't think I've had bad sex but this mf'er... Just damn!

and he absolutely made those spots wetter... 

Just damn... For real.. damn (as I type this I am so annoyed that it's been 3 wks and I've not gotten that dick again and I'm stupid annoyed about it!).. 

Just ugh man.. ugh... Lol.. I really feel that way man.. ugh.

I'd hesitated including him in this but the whole point to this is to treat it like a daily journal and if I didn't include him I'd be leaving out a serious WTF cause... It still baffles me and I'm so glad he pursued me lol cause man... I don't wanna have sex with anyone in my age range anymore, their dicks just do not fucking work and man I got jipped with Wes for sure... He did not fuck like this 23 yr old lol.. and I truly hope I'm not done with him cause I absolutely want more..

Pg.82 

I had to been in early because I had a catering requiring donuts being iced. 

i made a strawberry glaze and dug out all my sprinkles. And tragically sprinkles really do not hold for years in shitty containers. I threw them all away after this. 

and played with peanut butter. I still didn't feel well and I had a Dr. Appointment later in the day. We had a late catering too, with a ton of pizza.

i stayed and helped and was actually able to leave 15 min earlier than planned and I was not mad. 

I got to my Dr and she gave me some cough pills and suggested a few things but then said if I'm not better by Monday to let her know and will send an antibiotic. So home I was sent. 

This day.. March 22nd was also precious Theo's first birthday!! My Nephew is one! 

and he's so adorable! 

I love my baby brother so much, I'm so proud of him!

and my Sis in Law.... Oh I love her!

my niece and nephew are my heart! They'll never know how much I love them! 

simply love!!

Pg. 83

I didn't feel great and the weekend was home. I got up and wanted coffee and oatmeal. Carmel Apple Pecan Oatmeal it was. 

While I kitchen.. I smoke and gave music I. And that leads to unpacking and I found all my Mom's Bowl warmers!

i love them and could have so much more!! I'm definitely gonna ask for more lol

My oatmeal was delicious and my cup was my mood and a gift from my Mommy. She knows me so well. 

i actually did a lot this day.. actually over did it but the last thing I did was frame a few things.. they're waiting to be hung. I can't figure out how to do things until I've more out of the way lol. 

and got my magnets up. At least things feel more like home. I was extremely productive that day. 

Pg. 84

It's Sunday and that's breakfast. I'd had Hash left and I felt it was still ok so I used it to make an omelette. But first coffee..

I make beautiful food lol

while doing my normal kitchen routine, I unpacked my bowls and I'd just received bowls from my Mommy. She'd seen a deal for these great viking bowls and thought of me! I can never have enough kitchen things.. ever..

The beige bowls.. those are almost 27 years old. I got them in May 1997 from the JCPENNEY Outlet at Ontario Mills Mall before I moved to Indiana leaving June 2nd 1997. They have always been my favorite set, so sturdy. Both are going to be out to great use! 

The day was not as active and I did plan to make dinner. I needed to use up cauliflower and all I could think of is Zuppa Tuscana and I had my small Le Creuset Dutch oven so it was on. 

i also made a delicious grilled cheese under my broiler. 

definitely a great meal!

I've yet to make a meal for myself I'm not super happy with and I really do enjoy cooking for myself. 

I left out my nightmare attempt to do a pick up order for Kroger. It was the second time I'd tried. I'd left and they called to tell me to be closer to 2 and that they'd text me. I'd gone to TJMaxx to kill time. I picked up hangers I needed and ended up with two clearance shelves and this super cute mirrored mushroom, disco ball mushroom. It was awesome. 

I got to Kroger and went in for my few things and then went back to the car to get my order. Apparently they meant they'd text me when it would be ready and it was at least an hour still. Frustrated I asked to cancel but take what they had and finish my own order. It was such a shitty afternoon honestly, I didn't feel good and all it did was annoy me. 

Pg. 85

Monday... Full moon. I had messaged my Dr that I absolutely was not better and my cough was worse and I was miserable. She sent in an antibiotic and I picked it up. I decided tacos for dinner since I had leftover meat to use.

I also acknowledge that I may one day hurt myself in my kitchen lol

I'd walked into my living room and it was all lit up! 

I want more of those Mushrooms and really should go look for some.. one in each room honestly lol. 

I had plans though, feeling icky or not it was a full moon. On New Year's Eve I'd done this pinecone ritual. I used to have it saved and I cannot find it. But if found pine cones when I was home at Mom's during Thanksgiving. On New Year's Eve I'd written my goals and dreams for the new years in pieces of paper and rolled them up and tucked them into the cone. You can the burn it in new years day, but I didn't feel like that was what I needed to do. I chose to keep it until I felt it was time to burn. 

When I moved into the house I'd put it in my kitchen windowsill. It has fallen off twice so I sat it in a cute little colander and back on the windowsill. It had jumped off 5 times and over the weekend was the last and I told it I got the hint, it was time to burn. 

so I put it in my cauldron and knowing I didn't feel good still and was up early I went out about 7:30 to the little room next to the garage and set my cone to burn. 

I had my kitchen candle out with me and a drink and I watched my cone burn. 

My Independence was in place and I was officially moving in to my next phase. 

i stayed out there for a solid 45min and the I made sure it'd burned enough and out before I went back in. 

i left my cauldron in a corner and went inside. I need to go get it actually, it's rained several times since and I do not want my cauldron ruined. But it was necessary and I noticed pinecones all over my yard so I'll have them ready for next year! 

Pg. 86

Man the next few days are fucking crazy... For real... 

This is so freaking true man... So true! I'm insanely surprised as to where I am now and where I was a year ago. I am definitely not complete, I am still struggling but I will continue to heal and grow. 

i was feeling ok and trying to push getting well. It was 5 days since Tyrell and well I had to hide my neck.. haha.. it's been a damn long time since I had to hide anything and it was a bonus that I was sick!

im in no mood to fix images lol but as much as I was like yo below the neck! I like marks.. I love them... And to be honest two others are still fading wks later lol.. sick at least kept me away from folks who were gonna ask questions lol

I wanted to eat and I wanted to use that sourdough bread again so I made a fat Patty Melt.

it was delicious! I absolutely made a great Sammy!

so juicy! Patty melts are one of my favorit sandwiches and I have tried a few times and failed them. I'm relearning patience. I don't care how long it takes me.. I take my time and it comes out amazing!! 

My hope as I went to bed was that id wake up feeling better because we'll... I had tickets for Adam Ant and had plans to be there. 

Pg.87

This crazy shit... I did not wake up feeling better, in fact I knew I couldn't go to my Adam Ant show.. the idea of driving there and back and late at night sounded absolutely horrible. So I didn't. 

It was honestly a weird and fucked up day. At about 830am one of my cooks commented about a particular man being racist. My instinct was to make an excuse that he's old and it might have been a joke, and by the time I finished saying that I said no. What did he say and omfg. For real this mf'er... ignorant mf'er.. she heard them mention Trump and asked if he was running again. After a few min he stood up and said "why are you afraid he'll send you home?"... this alone pissed me off. She clarified that she is home, she's Puerto Rican and is home. So I'm upset, 3 of my women are upset. I got and ask someone's opinion and she says instantly yes. Go to our boss. Well I see my girl and pull her in with us and then our boss walked in so it worked out. I have the story repeatef only now we get it all and this ass straight flowed her clarification that she is home with "Well you need a green card don't you"... are you kidding me!! So I'm just pissed. My boss and I talked and I went toakr sure all of them knew that they can file a formal complaint with HR and that wed fully support them. 

So I then set out to make sure everyone knows that they can come to me if anything makes them uncomfortable and it went from there. He's been suggesting his lap as a seat and using inappropriate nicknames. All day long we had women coming and going. I was so mad. I am so mad. We had no idea and I'm just dumbfounded. 4 men ... And all of these women simply said "we just ignored it like we always do". We've literally been conditioned to be uncomfortable because men are men and I simply will not have it in my kitchen. I may not be able to speak up for me but I will fight for them. As far as we think we've gone nowhere. Women are still seen as less than men, we're here for them and I completely disagree. I am just so disappointed in humanity really. We were able to suspend him and there was an issue the next day that we handled. But man.. 

So I'm sick, I'm not going to Adam Ant and this bullshit. I didn't stay over, I left at 2 and I kept my 3 hrs for the next day to sleep in. I had apples to use up and searched for a cake recipe or something and instead I ended up using my oranges. 

I stopped at Kroger to pick up buttermilk and ended up with two blood Oranges and a heirloom navel orange to go with my Cara Cara oranges. I really hadn't baked for a while but I felt I deserved it. I found an upsidedown Orange cake and when I got home I showered and set off to the kitchen. 

I came home and showered and put in an unnecessary dress that I bought at the horror convention, Slut Life and man.. if I could I would but my issues won't let me so I dream lol it's far too tight and I'll probably never wear it out side the house but in the house I'm about to live in it all summer hahaha. 

its cute AF and given my Orange cake it was apparently an Orange kinda day lol. Dinner was gonna be simple but I took my time and prepped it all

i had stopped my prep long ago but I've found it again and it really is the best way to cook and bake. And how pretty are these oranges!! 

in order Blood Oranges, Cara Cara Oranges and an Heirloom Navel Orange. The cake also called for Orange Zest and Juice so I used zest and juice from all 3 oranges as well. 

I absolutely fucked some shit up, I didn't cook the caramel long enough and I was so concerned I messed it up. 

Which is why it's light colored and kinda dull looking under the oranges. 

My butter ended up getting cold instead of room temp and the batter took time, pretty sure the lumps seen are tiny specs of butter lol and no joke I wasn't sure it would bake right lol. 

But I'll be damned if it did and it's beautiful!

In fact I shoulda pulled it out maybe 10 min sooner but it's so moist I felt like it wasn't done and I was terrified it'd end up sinking lol. Instead... It was gorgeous! 

I used the left over juice with some Moscato and orange slices to keep the flow. Absolutely gorgeous!

And I found my dishes that I took and had the most perfect dessert plate!

i set everything out and had my dinner.. eating quickly so I could have cake lol

and I felt cute AF 

But the cake... The cake was center stage! 

Seriously... Gorgeous and I'm stupid proud!! 

So that is basically my Wed hahaha

Pg.88

The last day of work before Good Friday and Spring Break. These Mf'ers decided they needed to let the women know there's a list and what was said so just FYI. So that landed an ass in a chair with it made clear that is harassment and we don't have to go to HR. Some clarification made and it's been made clear that there will be no more discussion regarding the situation anywhere. Fuck man. And boom. I came home and dinner and cake haha. I took no pics apparently lol but I need this list done lol.

Pg. 89

Good Friday.. we only had to work 1/2 a day, which left me with little time to get anything done. I did the day cares and then tried to do withdrawals and finish up production. I took work home but did not complete everything because I had things I wanted to do. I didn't care and I still don't. I'm willing to do some work at home but I'm not giving up all my free time. I am not. I had no distinct plans Friday and I don't even remember what I did for dinner to be honest haha. Oh no, wait! It was early.. 10am.. so I'd ordered breakfast to pick up then I came home and ate and worked lol. At least I did remember!! 

Pg. 90

I was spending the morning with Beck. We were going to a Dispo and it was an hour away. I got us coffee and off we went. I miss her but it's difficult to just get her. Even when I go to her home she's just not alone either. So it was a nice needed thing. I dropped her off and headed home. Easter was the next day and I had stuff I wanted to still get done. I'd decided I wanted to make Carrot Cake Pancakes for breakfast and I decided on pork chops for dinner. I went ahead and went to the store and picked up groceries. 

I got home and I put stuff away and I started laundry. I made my WK d productive. It's funny because I've no idea what I had for dinner this night, at all but I did take a selfie lol.

im about to live in this romper all summer too and a black one is on its way lmao. 

I also saved this and it is so very true. I don't think everyone is aware of it and how necessary it is. The discomfort sucks but man it is so necessary. 

Pg. 91

It's Easter. We always celebrated it, it was another holiday you know. By a certain age religion wasn't really part of it, other than my Grandparents. But I figured I could just do something for me, make it nice you know. I'd been surprised I had not heard from Alicia, and ended up calling later, but Bean was at her other Grandparents so they were not doing anything and I was fine truly. 

I woke up when I woke up and I made my coffee like any other Sunday and started prepping for my Carrot Cake Pancakes. I found a recipe online and ran with it. 

i made bacon too and there was an icing for the pancakes and I took a cute AF selfie with a filter.. ok it's more sexy haha..

it made about 8 pancakes and I put half in the freezer. And made myself a pretty little plate. 

my Sunday continued  from there haha. I did a few things around the house but also kinda relaxed.  I'd decided dinner was going to be kinda big. I wanted myself a holiday meal you know.

I used my awesome little air fryer and made the tastiest pork chops! I made a small batch of mashed potatoes, stuffing cause I love stuffing and no one ever likes it so I never get it, not now. I can make it whenever I want. I had a couple carrots left from breakfast so I made glazed Carrots and Brussels Sprouts with bacon. At least I had some solid veggies lol. 

It was delicious though, truly and I was so glad I made it!! 

Woohoo! I finished Ch. 3!! I am gonna try to get caught up and back on track! 

Onward!! 

~ T ~