Today starts the first day of my decision, I had to call in and I had to think about my resignation. It was a strange and really hard damn day. As I type this even now, I am trying to catch up but I also admit it depends on making myself doing it which even then involves the ADHD and Tism to work together as well, I didn't realize how heavy my depression actually was/is. I just laid in bed, I ate unnecessary food and I reminded myself that it was necessary. No matter what, I know it was necessary. That didn't change the weight that I did feel. I made a decision that greatly affected my entire life. I have a house I am renting, no where near put together, but I do not have anywhere to go so I counted on being able to find a job rather quickly. I honestly did not think it would take more than 2 weeks maximum. Jobs are everywhere and I think my resume is decent. So I was not very concerned about that, my head was a different story. I questioned everything but I also told myself to stop. I know I made the right decision. This night started my stay up all night night.
Mom had texted and asked if I had crazy weather, since the weather channel was showing major storms. I sent her a picture of clear skies and went in. Not long after we actually did have a nice storm blow through and man the sky afterwards was awesome.
I caught the odd pink shade and I went outside and it was almost like a crazy dome was dropped and you could see intense rainbow stripes.
I tried so hard to get pictures of it, I actually have like 10 haha.
It really was such a gravy dome of light.
Tuesday was heavier. I knew that I had to write my resignation and My head was just loud. I actually have no pictures of Tuesday or Wednesday. I got my laptop and I set out to write. I knew I had to be professional but I also wanted to list my own list. They had 2 pages of why I sucked and I am still absolutely in shock because I busted my ass man, I worked harder than I ever have and I am just so mad that they have the nerve to say the things they said to me. I thought I had that right, I still think I do but apparently I am wrong. I spent so much time, trying to not sound angry, to make sure someone might look into why they are going through so many managers. I know I should have tried to organize and did not but that is absolutely NOT what contributed to everything. It should truly be looked at. It took me like 3 hours. So I ask Lindsey to read it and a couple others. Well, I told the others to not bother because Lindsey said that it was very unprofessional and was nothing but anger. So she wrote me a sad, short letter and that is what I used. Nothing got heard, nothing got said and as it continued I realized it never was going to so why did I even bother.
My nerves were insane, I was a ball of stress and worry and just the fact I was doing what I was doing and all that that entailed. I did my best to try to keep my head where I needed to. I really really tried but man it is so hard to battle old Tina, SO FUCKING HARD!
Wednesday came.. I still called and then I met Lindsey and Candy for Lunch. After Lunch I sent and delivered my letter and everything I had and I walked away. The weight that lifted off my shoulders never walking back into that kitchen, not having to wait and see what else I couldn't do right. It was to where I was dreading waking up and dreading walking in the door. I went from loving that kitchen to absolutely hating it and so damn fast. Once they turned they turned...
Blueberry and Cherry.. oatmeal..
Thursday found me with a renewed burst of optimism, I made myself a delicious bowl of oatmeal, which has become a current favorite treat, and grabbed the laptop. I applied for things I never would have. I always earned my leadership positions, I saw myself as an associate and they chose me to lead. Purdue I applied for my asssitant and Chef required me to reapply for the Manager position, this time I was going to simply apply for them. My experience in itself should put me in management positions. So I applied for all kinds of things.
I put myself out there like I never have before. I applied for Assistant Store Manager positions. I did apply for Torrid Store Manager because I happened to visit and found the store almost empty. So I applied. It has been more than a month and I have still never heard from them and no response to my attempt to contact anyone. My point those is... I applied for so many positions I never would have imagined I would apply for. I owed myself the acknowledgment that damn I can and will. So I set out. I did the same thing on Friday. I set out to apply for crazy things that I would not have. I started with the stores I felt would be a fit or that I liked. I applied for 4 positions at TJMaxx including Merchandising Supervisior and Front End Supervisior. With my history, especially Lane Bryant, neither of these should be an issue. So I applied.
I gave the weekend a break. I told myself that weekends I would treat the same as any other weekend and that is what I did. Saturday I cleaned and made myself Tacos, I must admit that I have had more tacos in the last few months at this little house than I have had for years.
Even in Camden I didn't make them often, it was a pain in the ass. I had to fry so many tortillas, 4-5 for Erik, 7 for Mika, 7 for me and once Kiddo was in 5-6 for Kiddo. They just took so much time.. and I rarely got to really enjoy them. Now.. I am only cooking for me and damn it I love my tacos.
I did quite a bit of housework, I actually got all of my clothes hung up .. until the damn rack fell over and I had to still divide all my hanging clothes in the closets too. I still have the drawers to fill but I need to label my drawers, I forget what is in them and then I don't wear my clothes and I want to wear them all. I love them haha..
I wanted to include an outfit or two. When I visited my cousin she gave me several bags of clothes.
i couldn't resist the top with my skirt but... She also gave me several bathing suits... That were bikini's.. this one I am keeping because man it's a great picture! I'll never wear it out But I'll share this here!
i actually feel sexy and I didn't expect that all!
I considered making this post the rest of May all together but I am going to stick with my initial plan and that is to do one more week of May.
~ T ~
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