Lets end this fucking month, because seriously.. April and May were fucking NIGHTMARES! I don't even think I ever felt the way I did at Penn anywhere else. Fuck man.
I am starting with Sunday Morning and I was determined to still cook my breakfast.
I had veggies to use up and I opted for Hash. I don't care what anyone says.. I have skill and ability fuckers. My food is pretty!! The rest of the day was cleaning and some random things. Honestly the whole weekend was peaceful. I made a silly dinner
.. Chili Cheese fries dog burrito. I loved the idea and the thought and it was a tasty bite but it was not a chili cheese fries burrito from Wienerschnitzel which is all I think about.
This admittedly is not pretty haha.. but it was honestly tasty.
It was just not the same haha.
I am just going to burn through this week, it was not a busy week. I was frustrated that I had heard from no one and was still just trying to put in as many applications as I could places. It is very different, When I put in my notice at Kroger Penn popped up in such a Universal way and I guess I thought the same thing would happen.
Jobs are everywhere and I truly thought I would already be setting up interviews. I did not expect it to take more than a couple weeks. I was determined for it to not weigh on me.
I really just stuck to being in the house, The weekend was Memorial Day Weeekend and I absolutely just stayed in my little house with the door locked.
Also I will note that I have still NOT seen Tyrell since that last time in March and I am annoyed about it because... damn that devil dick.. for real.
What I did realize is that I actually set a boundary and I kept it. I decided no one was ever going to speak to me like my Father, my Grandma and my Brother. No one. Those words spoken to me I cannot forget, I can't. I keep trying but I can't.
You do not ever get to tell me that I have no skill, no ability, no talent. Really, Never. I may have sat there and let them speak to me the way that they did but I do not have to stay in their presence or give them the oppurtunity ever again. I made that boundary and I will work on enforcing it in every aspect of my life but for once in my life I did not let myself walk back and give someone the oppurtunity to beat me down further. I can't stop hearing those words yet, I am trying to. I try to stop it but it tends to get all said before I say "Stop no! No one gets to speak to me like that ever." I will take that as a win. I didn't see my therapist for 4 weeks. Last I was there I was asking for help to deal with the frustrations I feel there and how to not show them so much and when I did see her it was two weeks into just quitting my job and never going back. I have cried so much (just this week alone) but she definitely helped solidify that I did make and keep a boundary and I am proud of that.
I left out the week before that it took me several days to tell my Mom. It wasn't until I was actually blogging about it over the weekend, Saturday, that I spoke to her. I had actually just finished the Blog and was ending it with when Mom calls I will tell her and before I can add my "." she was calling. I told her that I just needed to tell her something and she knew. She said you quit, when. and so I explained and she said how proud she was of me.
It has been so hard to do this, so fucking hard. I question so much about myself and I can't help but question if I am ok, if my ADHD and Autism are effecting more of me than I imagined and it is really just.. weighing on me. That is now and I need to get back to this actual week lol.
I Did do May's Drawing challenge with Marci.. and it came out quite well. I am really happy with several parts of it. I wish I'd done the river differently but I do like it.
I forgot to include that I did repot my plants the weekend before and 3 were doing quite nicely. Side-Show-Bob loves the bathroom.
This little dude I have not named yet... I'm just not sure what I wanna call her but she blossomed when I moved her to an actual little pot, I picked her up when I picked up my soil.
and Medusa I changed to this long pot and she is just going crazy too! I love it!
I got free panties from a coupon and that made me happy.. I would share my ass in them but I feel like I shouldn't so I won't.
I also drew a Gremlin for the art group and that was cool, he came out really well. I didn't expect him to actually look like a Gremlin lol.
I also randomly got to speak to Kaiser, it's been like several months and it was wonderful to converse with him and I was in good headspace so I am even better about the conversation lol.
AND THAT IS MAY!! I needed the image above and I saw it and this is where it went. Because I need to remember it, especially on my struggle days.
~ T ~
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