Ch. 6 (June) Pg. 154-155

I could NOT wake up Sunday, Pg. 154, it took so much effort. I'd told Alicia I would be over and it was a struggle. I got up at 10:30 and I sat here for 30 min and left. I picked up a free coffee from Starbucks, so grateful I have some stars there, and got to Alicia's house. She was finishing up some work because she was on call. Then we spent about an hour smoking and talking. 

I'd told her how heavy yesterday was, the service really was not what I expected and we both agreed. We expected it to be a seriously full shenanigan blow outta d we were both pleasantly surprised. 

Twice she had to stop me because I had crazy resin on y lips and teeth haha..

The second time I had to snap it haha. It was long enough that she wanted to get moving and so did I. I'd gotten a coupon for a free chicken sandwich if I spent $.70 and I had a free any size fry if I spent $1. So I spent $5 and got food. Cooking simply sounded horrible at the time. I got home and I ate and I sat here knowing I needed to do things. Alicia and I talked about that. If I am home then I should do something extra every day. So instead of sitting here I decided to work on my other room. I spent probably 4 hours and damn I have a room! Drawers are not even full! I don't think I need that clothes rack because I think I can put a good amount in the drawers I now have, though I need to label them or I will never remember what's in them. That's why I like everything hanging, it's in my face! I might take back 3 pairs of shoes too. I e for sure, the other two I need to put in and see how they actually walk. The pair I wanted to wear Sat were just too big and it makes me sad. I'll try the others on and walk around the house to decide. 

It was a rather long night and the last thing I did was go through this like fabric block drawer I had. I found several of my old tickets stubs and I'm super glad I did! 

Even my DRI ticket stub was present! I also found some that id acquired with Erik.

I hate that tickets are no longer a thing. I like tangible, I want the physical. But I'm glad I at least have these! 

I didn't get to bed until 1:30. I ate a bunch of shit I should not have but all I seem to do at night is eat. So hopefully I fix myself soon because I've no desire to be bigger. I just wanna be healthy and love me. 

Monday, Pg. 155. FUCK TODAY!! Like seriously Fuck today. I recently, earlier this every, changed my cover photo to the picture above. Cause man...... Today about did me in. Even sitting here as I am ..... I am exhausted and just numb....... indifferent.. overwhelmed.. frustrated....terrified.... any myriad of words work. 

It was extremely difficult to wake up and I had to force myself up. I had taken things out the night before and was making myself continue with that plan. I went to the kitchen and looked at my mess that I needed to clean and got my coffee out. I put my mug in the microwave and hit start and my kitchen shut down. No nothing. I'd woken up to a message from Marci so we were already talking when this happened. I just stood there like fucking seriously.. 

So I unplugged my computer and moved it. I tried all three outlets and their little breaker buttons and nothing. I started downstairs.. mumbled I don't have this in me.. and found the breaker box. I'm trying to read the panel and the last one is the kitchen. I dlup it twice. And go look. Nothing. I went back upstairs and tried the individual breakers again. Nothing. I went back downstairs and flipped the breaker again. Nothing. At this point I couldn't contain myself. I just walked over to a chair against the wall, sat down and cried. I just cried. I messaged Marci that I just want to give uo. I can't do this. And I just continued to cry. 

Derek had messaged me earlier in that morning too, literally before it all happened. So I'd come up stairs just done and he got the flood of i can't do this. He said I wasn't allowed to give up. And he let me cry and say my shit. I actually really appreciated him today. At this point I laid in my bed and cried. I just cried. After about 10 min I got up and texted my landlord and then started breaking down boxes. I was going to do something. During that my landlord called. Told me he'd be by in about an hour and assured me I didn't have anything to pay for. So now I'm spraying odor fighter all over the house to hopefully not smell like weed. I finished boxes and even emptied a few more, honestly I'm close to unpacked, it's kind of odd. I then cleaned the kitchen and had just come to my room when I heard a door. 

I met him there and we walked through things. The light was in in the fridge but we couldn't hear it running. The clock in the stove was on but the range wouldn't turn on. We went downstairs and I showed him the one I did and he flipped it again. Nothing. So he's reading and notices the one above kitchen says outside wall with cabinets. He flipped it and boom. Lights were on. We went upstairs, I felt dumb. He checked the outletsvagain and says he was going to have them changed. You could hear the fridge. I thanked him and I just sat down. I was so fucking exhausted. In every damn way exhausted. 

I then got up and made myself still make my cake. I heated my coffee, scaled out my ingredients and made a Berry Coffee Cake.. mostly raspberries and a few blackberries. 

i came out beautiful. I did my dishes and dropped for Tyrell because I just didn't have it in me to say no. By the time I got home I was really hungry, honestly I was a little shaky. I took a quick shower and heated up my Chinese from Friday. I sat down and started eating and finally smoked a bowl. I was and still am exhausted. It's 12:22am and I don't want to go to sleep, I don't want to wake up to another today. 

My cake is beautiful... Seriously. I'm stupid happy with it. I finished up my kitchen again and cut a slice of cake. 

Amazingly tender and I love the texture. The crumb got a little hard to me and I think I'll add more flavor, at least Cinnamon. I'm just not a basic vanilla girl 🤷. Either way, I am very happy I made myself continue with its baking and I'm glad I did clean a good mount and handled somethings. 

It was a really really fucking hard day. I have an interview tomorrow and I'm willing to beg for it. Just need to be starting somewhere. 

~ T ~