Ch. 6 Pg 153
Today was an odd day. I'm holding off sharing this because I want to be caught up and have everything in order but I can delete things so I want to have this one page done 😂
I struggled waking up this morning, was kind of indifferent I guess? I got up and id actually considered doing applications but also it's the weekend technically and I like don't want that stress. I actually think I'm going to get screwed out of my sick time and last of my Vaca time. And I'm very annoyed about that but also on a fuck you I don't care either.
I walked into my kitchen and I have badly neglected it. It was a mess so I just set out to clean it. I made myself breakfast after, potatoes and an omelette and while things cooked and what not I processed my fruit and made a big fruit salad. I put on a show and just kind of relaxed a bit.
Today was Alicia's Moms Celebration of Life. I admit I had myself very anxious. I had no idea what to expect but it could have been very bad, dramatic, ghetto, etc. I knew Alicia was wound tight with no idea what to expect either. I ended up running around. I wanted to be dressed nice but not too nice also I was aware I might see Tyrell and I still wanted to be seen lol. But as the day went on I did not. I didn't want to actually see him. It's been over 2 months since I have so I kinda want to keep it that way. Then I'll be able to walk away you know. Distance, regardless of wanting that.. no it's not that. It's him damn it. I know him enough that I slightly regret being the grown adult as long as I did. I missed out on some shit even knowing it woulda been bad but damn it woulda been good AF too haha. This post is not about him . So anyway lol
People literally strolled in right at 3pm. I was so shocked. Like just started pouring in. She did have the Chaplain from her work come and kind of lead a service and man. That room was full of love. Like for real. By the second person speaking I was crying. I'd calm down and cry. I straight cried at least 4 times. The second time I wanted to leave, to get out of the room. It was so overwhelming. Then the fourth was a woman and she said "I just want to say one thing" and burst into song. Her voice was amazing, like it was absolutely gorgeous. And others shared stories. Allie and Alicia both spoke and right at the end Jayden. That boy.. I mean he did just gradt it im saying Boy... Spoke and cried and I'm just so proud of him. Oden.. had not showed up when I left, it was 5:30. I had decided I was ready when Tyrell's Mom and Sister showed up. I had always been off about Danielle, she was like Janelle with Marlo and it always bothered me. So I always stayed cordial and polite. It's hard now. I know things, a lot of things from Tyrell being able to talk and I just would prefer I not be around her. Also, I figured he would t be far behind if he was not the reason that Oden wasn't there yet. So I took that as my queue to leave.
But wait, back to the service. I was so heavy. I had never realized how lacking of emotion my family was. I was in this room, celebrating a woman who abused tf out of her kids. I know what they grew up in and yet that room was filled with love.. it was deep and thick. I thought of my Grandma's and even my Grandpa's... His had some emotion but hers was cold and rigid. We didn't have that soul and feeling. I have never felt so white. Like the kind of white who wants to think they are better than showing they have any empty. The pretentious types who are doing what they're supposed to because it's an expectation. We lack so much emotion and it was heartbreaking standing there feeling that love and how lacking it was for me. It was extremely heavy and it's made me quite emotional. I've cried off and on sevytines this week and today was a different kind but still just as heavy.
I am so very very glad that it went the way it did. Alicia deserved it to be a loving experience and I am so glad I could be present for her.
~ T ~
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